Paths

I mowed for the first time this spring a couple of weeks ago. Presumably it was time to mow since the curb grass that the city planted when they repaved the road was edging towards a foot tall, the neighbor to the right had given his lawn a crew cut primarily so he could use his leaf blower WHENEVER POSSIBLE, and my much saner neighbor on the left had mowed at a reasonable length.

As I came around the side of the house to edge along the fence, I discovered well worn paths in the grass. We had an incredibly mild winter so the grass was rarely buried in snow and the critter population must have kept moving throughout the season. One path hugged the flower bed by the house and scooted under the gate. Two other paths came from different angles through the sane neighbor’s yard to converge at a point under the fence.

Given the warming spring weather and the full moon, I decided to put the game camera out, two days and nights on each path, to see who was wearing away the grass.

Unfortunately, I need to play with the camera settings or maybe invest in a new SD card because my night photos are whiting out and my day time photos have taken on a strange pinkish tint. From the night photos, I was able to discern a cat ear, some skunk stripes and maybe a opossum.

The day time photos featured some random birds landing in the right spot and plenty of squirrel action including my favorite.  I love this majestic beast stalking through the grass for a close up. WGI_0047

Spring Forward Cooking Tips

Pumpernickel grilled cheese. (Pumpernickel translates to “the Devil’s fart.” Favorite bread name ever!)

Could be burnt. Could be fine.

Who can tell?

Not me. I was still awake at midnight (Thanks, time change! You dick.) having imaginary conversations. I have the brain power of a deranged turtle cat.

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Now that you’ve seen this, you will make it. POWER OF SUGGESTION!!!!

Hint: cut your grilled cheese into strips for dipping purposes.

DIY Yoga

Accumulating projects just proves I’m alive! Or maybe it’s the getting them done part that proves that.img_5590

I’ve jealousy eyed the tie-dyed leggings of more…um…compactly built yoga classmates, wishing I could find a pair for myself.  Internet searches for white or at least light colored yoga leggings resulted in brands featuring thin, cheap fabric and size XL’s that probably would not have been compatible with my size XL.

The other key was cotton fabric. I learned during this project that polyester dye CANNOT be used for tie-dye purposes unless you are willing to dip the fabric into crazy hot water and stand there holding it while the dye and fabric react to the heat. Using the poly dye in the same way I normally would, results in all of the dye being washed from the fabric in the first rinse. Oops.

Sometimes you really do need to read the directions and then re-read them, and then go read some instructional articles.

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My sister’s technique: Nothing says leggings model like fish flavored Newfoundland drool.

Finally, Old Navy put out a white and light gray legging in their exercise line. The fabric was predominantly cotton, workable colors, not see-through, and sized to fit. I grabbed multiple pairs during a sales event and went to work. (I have gone back hoping to find more on super clearance but no luck thus far.)

The final product didn’t quite reflect my vision, but the poly dye snafu gave me a second chance to work with patterns. Reviews have been positive and nobody has come back sweaty with tie-dyed skin.

I gave a few away as gifts with the disclaimer that the wearer had to send me a blog approved photo. This what happens when I model yoga poses:

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Basic tree…ok                                  oh no………..                                 ….    shit

And when my strong, flexible friend models them:

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She went Crow!!!

Yep. Definite compare/contrast situation.

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I need to get my head down when I peel the three-legged dog.Giant white sports bra peekin’ at ya!

As far as a my modeling technique, I decided my sister had the right idea. Just the wrong animal.

Cat super model!

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“Sorry about your vagina” and other greeting cards you might need

Back off greeting card industry unless it’s to offer me my own card line featuring this amazing artwork all drawn on the notepad app on my phone while lazing on my couch. The Photogrid app helped to add and adjust text although I think I can do that in the photo editing tools on my camera roll. Plus I just learned how to add a watermark in Photoshop! (It’s a complete pain in the ass. How about nobody steals my shit??? Lets agree to that.)

I like my greeting cards funny, filthy, and sarcastic with a touch of weird. There’s never really a card that reflects what is going on in my brain. Example: “Happy Father’s Day…I guess. Meh.

I mean what card is there for my friend with cancer who has to mentally and emotionally psych herself up for her chemo treatments? I didn’t think about this aspect of chemo until she had to miss a treatment because of test results, and was devastated. It was an emotional kick in the teeth for her.

I’m not going to send her some creepy sympathy or “thinking of you” card with funeral flowers  on it and a sappy poem inside. Not my style. So I sketched up a little something for her next treatment. She deserves (a better artist) beams of sunlight radiating from her bald head. I also sent her cat hair to make a merkin, but that’s a whole other issue.img_5628a

My cards would not be complete without involving my cats!

This is for those of you who have helped your BFF pull the one giant gorilla hair out of the middle of her chest in public. C’mon, she was getting ready to get a portrait taken! Chest hair not welcome.

Or perhaps you’ve helped someone with glasses pluck her “goat hairs” off her chin because she can’t focus on them herself.

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This card is threatening. One person interpreted it as uplifting and encouraging “Oh, your cat wants me to have fun”, but it was drawn with threat in mind. If you knew my cat

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I anticipate my top sellers would be my “Sorry about your vagina” line.

I don’t like babies, or small children and often I dislike large children, some days I dislike most adults. What the Hell? People suck. More cats please.

So when my friends crap out babies, which they seem to do with great frequency,I’m generally more concerned with the shattered state of their bits and pieces than with the damned baby. (Who does not look like you or your spouse. It looks exactly like all the other wrinkly babies! I cannot see that it has your nose. Ugh.)

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Again radiating beams of light.

I don’t like spinning. I’m pretty sure I’m doing it right, but it makes certain things hurt and not in a “Boy, I worked out today type of way!”

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For when your down under feels political. I made the mistake of watching part of the live feed of the Women’s March on Washington and reading the comments as they scrolled by. Every other comment called the marchers whiny, sore losers, baby killers, and even Satanists (what?). It would be nice if people would realize that women’s rights and healthcare goes beyond abortion. The caliber of the comments made it painfully clear why this large child was voted into office where he can pick equally large children to be his playmates in a game of “Leader of the Free World.”

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To end on a lighter note, we all get old and those crazy gray hairs show up…EVERYWHERE!

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I am so psyched about these vagina foxes! Adorable!

 

New Year’s Resolutions: Projects

*Don’t give up on creating projects! Or being creative!

I accumulate projects at a stunning rate. Walking into any type of craft store starts an onslaught of desirous thoughts, lofty goals, and DIY hysteria. I really shouldn’t watch Flea Market Flip where “normal” people troll giant flea markets and revitalize random junk.

The problem is that I gather the necessary materials and/or start the project only to get stuck, have to re-focus, or run out of time. The project gets shelved with intentions of revisiting it later. But sometimes it gets done.

Case in point: I bought the Radiant Orchid background fabric for this quilt in either really late 2013 or early 2014 (It was the 2014 Color of the Year which would have been announced in December 2013.) with the intentions of having the quilt created for the February 2014 baby shower for the child that was born in March 2014.

Guess what she got for Christmas THIS year. Just a little late.

However in a spurt of elfish energy, her little brother who is only 2 months old scored his own quilt.

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Miles didn’t care how long I took with this project because he loved this fabric! (Click that link for panther tail chasing).  Every time I pulled it out to work on the quilt, he went wild. Maybe it’s the silky soft texture or maybe he just knows how good he looks against it.

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December 2016

The ‘ittlest squirrel on squirrel patrol

When I was editing snowy squirrel photos, I realized that I had been very negligent in taking care of my pictures because I had forgotten about this episode from OCTOBER! YEEESHH!

I am just going to boldly claim that this is photographic evidence of the “‘ittlest squirrel in the world.” He or she is probably now one of the well-rounded beasts roaming my yard.

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I am straight up adorbs!

Yesterday’s freezing rain transformed into a gray downpour that then manifested fog. I feel like Guns-n-Roses may have missed the mark with November Rain. I expect rain in November; but December rain, that’s the pits.

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Thank goodness for the See Rock City feeder!

Despite the rain, I had some hungry visitors including a Blue Jay. For whatever reason, my Blue Jay sightings are few even though I have plenty of sunflowers seeds in the mix and provide suet cakes. I’ll try whole peanuts in the shell, but I’m guessing the squirrel army will probably make off with those first.

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In other squirrel related, but decidedly disorganized posting, my gal Barbara at Squirrel Den Studio made a fabulous Squirrel Patrol t-shirt! It is student approved. As in “Hey, that’s a squirrel. Cool.” They are wordsmiths every one. You can find the Den on Facebook or shop at Etsy.  Barbara donates part of her shirt money to shelters every month, so that’s how you know she’s good people.

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Maury approves. My selfie skills, as always, are highly suspect.