No one told the possum that we lost an hour.
Somebody needed to tell the goddamn possum!
I went to bed early. It was 9:30, but really 8:30. However I’d been up since 8:30 a.m. which was really 7:30 a.m.without a nap. This the Daylight Savings Time mindset, instilled by my mother many years ago.
So at 1:30 a.m. Monday morning which was really 12:30 a.m., I was in the middle of some surreal dream about falling or school or too many cats running when something thumped outside.
Clearly a thump of something impacting a hard, possibly metallic surface. The furnace unit outside my bedroom window? A backyard intruder stubbing his foot on the rock solid potting bench or banging in to the rain barrels?
As logic dictates, I rolled out of bed, fumbled for my glasses and opened the curtains. Because nothing says home security like a random, half asleep chick opening the bedroom curtains to presumably come face to face with evil intruders. No evil intruders, just an exploding cat.
The cat, I’m pretty sure it was Birdie, had been pressed up against the glass, clocking whatever was thumping in the backyard. The curtains opening were her cue to explode backwards, speed across the room, and tear down the hall screaming, “I’M GONNA TEAR THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP!”
Yes, the Queen of the Bathtub still thinks she has street cred.
I met her at the back doors were she was demonstrating her cat-pressed-to-glass routine. The thumping intruder was a waddling possum twice her size.
This possum is just for re-enactment purposes. Clearly it is a February possum and not as large as the March possum. Beware the Possums of March.
I kind of wished for a flashlight and a camera, but that seemed like a lot of effort for 1:30 a.m. which was still feeling kind of like 12:30 a.m. The possum did not respond to me banging on the door-in fact, it came closer!- so Birdie threw up some feline gang signs and went back to bed. Job done.
I fumbled the door open a crack and hissed at it. That’s right. You do not fuck with the largest cat in the house.
And for Pete’s sake! Reset your clocks, possum!