40 Things

40 Things: I turned 40 on Groundhog’s Day, a national holiday celebrating my birth. Turning 40 has made me infinitely wise overnight or at least delusional. Here are some things.

  1. I want to go to Key West mostly for the six-toed Hemingway cats, but also to go to the Southernmost point of the U.S.
  2. Without a doubt, I believe whatever Prognosticator of Prognosticators Punxsutawney Phil says. He is a furry weather deity.
  3. I was pretty sure that upon turning 40, my boobs would automatically stretch to my knees and my bits and pieces would fall out.
  4. I have never changed a diaper. NEVER.
  5. My friends are generally good people. I should be better to them.
  6. The family members who really count are generally good people. I should be better to them.
  7. Cheesecake is fine for breakfast followed by Fritos and leftover spinach and artichoke dip for lunch. Suck it, Fitness Pal.
  8. I am paying my gym hush money every month.
  9. A parrot is NOT an acceptable accessory or pet to take to a crowded event.

    #9 This is not okay.

    #9 This is not okay.

  10. My mom is compulsively helpful. She dusted EVERYTHING in my house. I tried to stop her, but not very hard. It makes me feel bad because I don’t show up at her house and start cleaning.
  11. Maybe I’m living in squalor and she doesn’t want to tell me.
  12. Don’t take Benadryl and drink Bloody Marys while whale watching. It’s just good advice.
  13. Asparagus pee: it’s like my urine announcing that I ate something healthy
  14. Rigor in education is a bad joke. Rules are made by people who don’t teach. We are pressured to bend to the whine and whim of any parent or student because we are now in a customer is always right business. The powers-that-be don’t believe in grades, or failing, and are all about do-overs. Totally real life.
  15. Eventually I’ll just save myself the headache and give all the little buggers A-s.
  16. If asked to, I would choose my cats over a romantic involvement. It says something about that person if they think pets are so disposable.

    #16 My extremely non-disposable pet.

    #16 My extremely non-disposable pet.

  17. It also says something about the guy who several months in, finally said he was allergic to cats and allergy meds weren’t an option.
  18. I haven’t been on a date since 2006. Draw your own logical conclusions about other romantic activities associated with dating.
  19. People in Fargo don’t make wood chipper jokes. Weird.
  20. Yosemite, Bryce Canyon, North Dakota Badlands
  21. I could have accomplished more today, but I hung out on my bed with the cats, read a book, and took a nap.
  22. I think I was more productive before the Internet and cell phones.
  23. I’ve spent my life seeing myself as fat, but it’s easier to bitch about it than it is to do something about it because…
  24. I really like chocolate, cheese, things that are fried, things that come with sauces, and chips.
  25. And I really dislike exercise.
  26. Squirrels, cats, birds, these things seem to occupy a lot of my time.
  27. I assumed that by this point I would be married and have a kid because that’s how life works and it’s what people do.
  28. I worry about who will help me when I’m old.
  29. I feel that Maude had some valid insights into aging. (See Harold and Maude)
  30. My cats have all signed a contract that stipulates that they must sleep on the bed  with me if not directly on my body.
  31. Paw pads, whiskers, wet noses.

    #31 Crucial to my happiness

    #31 Crucial to my happiness

  32. I’m glad that I’ve been friends with at least two people for over 20 years. They’ve terrified me by doing things like moving out-of-state, getting married, and reproducing. So far it’s okay, but I’m still suspicious.
  33. I buy myself fresh flowers because really who else is going to?
  34. I should be doing something more or greater or bigger with my life, but I don’t know what it is and I’m pretty sure it would interfere with my naps.
  35. Why is it quirky that I can sew, cook, and garden?
  36. I’m concerned that the Winter Wren at my feeder won’t find enough to eat, but the squirrels and starlings ate all the suet.
  37. I want to save all the cats.
  38. I would like to punch people who :assume I don’t like dogs (I like lots of animals, I’d just rather have cats), think having boobs this size is awesome (It’s not. They are inconvenient at best), who think my job is a cake-walk and that my summers are totally free (I pay for that limited freedom in blood every fucking day of the school year).
  39. Time on Sundays speeds up after 4 p.m.
  40. I’d rather have something personal or handcrafted hanging on my walls rather than something mass-produced.

If any of these things made a difference, made you sigh sadly at me and shake or your head, or made you laugh then donate or volunteer at an animal shelter in my name or your name or a fake name. Whatever.

“Hello, I’m Regina Falange.”

I like these two shelters:

Colony Cats & Dogs

Cat Welfare Association

4 thoughts on “40 Things

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