Label This!: Labels on people that I could actually use.

SNL’s cold opening with Will Ferrell reprising his George W. Bush role  so W. could announce his candidacy was hilariously sad. Hilarious because, as always, Ferrell’s a funny guy and his parody of W. made me laugh as he riffed on the flaws of the current Republican candidates and then rambled about leprechaun internment camps. Sad because, dear God, the current candidates do make W. look like a crazy, liberal, rocket scientist.

For example, candidate Trump’s comments on labeling and potentially banning Muslims from the U.S., continues to get more air time than it’s worth in both the real and fake news environs. SNL’s Weekend Update also provided commentary on these ideas with hosts Che and Jost saying that they did not believe that Trump is inherently racist, but that he does know how to work the vote. This is scary shit, man.

One, he’s tapped in to America’s fear of bad things happening and the desire to find an easy scapegoat- see McCarthyism and The Red Scare in your nearest textbook. Two, we’ve historically been douche bags before, rounding up all the vaguely Japanese citizens in to internment camps because WWII was super scary so does that set some sort of f’ed up precedent? (Probably not, because I swear none of my students have EVER heard about these camps. Just an ugly little something not to talk about.) Finally, part of his supporters probably do feel that the Nazis were just super organized! I mean, they labeled everything: Jews, gypsies, Socialists, homosexuals….what have you, they had a label.

I propose that if we’re going to label people, if we’re going to actively have people wear badges, then they should be useful labels. I don’t care about your sexual orientation, your race, or your religion unless you’re trying to get me to join up. In which case,  we totally should not be talking. I’m more concerned with personality quirks, and habits that a prominently displayed badge would immediately warn me about.

For example, I need to steer clear of people who are just too fucking happy and energetic in the morning. Yes, I’m glad that I’m alive for another day too, but I’m more likely to be up to that level of enthusiasm by noon… maybe. My natural instinct is to try to break your shiny, happy spirit.

You can see the enthusiasm-read"crazy"- in the eyes.

You can see the enthusiasm-read”crazy”- in the eyes.

People obsessed with sports, we have nothing to talk about. Go look for someone else wearing the same label.

This label could be interpreted another way, but I don’t care. Most sports seem to involve balls and often humans with balls, so I’m running with this until the Trump campaign design department gets back to me.

Speaking of balls….

Punch repeatedly.

Punch repeatedly.

This is for people who say things like, “Teaching must be so easy….it must be nice to have the summers off” or “I’m sorry how many cats did you say you have?” Punch in balls before the conversation even starts.

This one would have been a real time saver over the years: small and/or nonfunctional penis.

Hello, like every past boyfriend.

Hello, like, every past boyfriend.

This one I attribute to the artistic genius of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. and Breakfast of Champions. So simple, so perfect. Given, most assholes will reveal themselves pretty quickly, but this would provide a nice warning.



I also wanted a label for douche bags, but couldn’t really decide on a symbol.

Related to most common assholes are the assholes who don’t like or understand the relationships that people have with their pets. These assholes may also see themselves as such superior beings that they will cruelly abuse animals for laughs. This label should be combined with the “Punch in the Balls” repeatedly label above.

The design needs work. I’m afraid that it reads as either a fluffy animal, or an animal that is an asshole. That happens-my cats can be assholes- but I’m not up to labeling all the animals as well.

Finally all the fucking fucks that cringe every time I swear. Fuck!

No fucking!

It warns others not to swear around this person, therefore not incurring their judgement and shoulder twitches at each f-bomb. The person will not like wearing the hated word as a badge, but I did try to make the font pretty.

As always, I write with tongue in cheek, knowing that I would probably need one of those Girl Scout sash things to sew all my labels on to. Look out, world!

As a closing note, I think that Trump’s best possible running partner would be Kim Davis.

The End



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