“Chaotic Barnyard Yoga”

When I start my cult which, honestly, is going to take forever because I hate organizing things for other people to attend; I always feel responsible for their level of enjoyment. Additionally, I really dislike meetings of any sort and tedious paperwork. I feel like getting a cult off the ground is just going to be so many meetings.

Anyway.

When I start my cult, it will be based on the philosophy of “chaotic barnyard yoga.” (I must credit the ever patient yogi Dana with that phrasing. Her practices are timed with rooster crows and goat mishaps.)

There will absolutely be judgmental cats. Our main agents of chaos will be barnyard fowl. You would think it’s the goats, but the ducks and chickens are in constant communication and movement.

This cat is much friendlier than the expression implies.

We will emphasize approaching each day from a different perspective. Adjust your view.

There will be goat selfies. This is crucial to finding joy…mostly for the goats.

The goats will head up (head up, get it?!) any necessary conflict resolution especially over food.

As potential cult leader, I can really see all of my dramatic entrances being heralded by a parade of goats. Floppy ears preferred.

Yes, we will occasionally do actual yoga.

Over the years, I’ve managed to recruit a few potential followers. The Cult of Chaotic Barnyard Yoga is not for everyone, especially when I accidentally imply that there is cockfighting. There were roosters having a disagreement in my personal air space, but it was on their own terms. No betting was involved. I may still be able to bring this person into membership.

Ultimately the goats will whisper the tenets of Chaotic Barnyard Yoga into the ears of my “herd.” This is Harrison working on recruitment. He is the size of my sister’s Newfoundland; his back lands at my hip.

Like most cult leaders, I can’t really guarantee what your day to day living conditions will be like, but we will all be peeing outside and bellowing with great enthusiasm for that day’s yoga practice.

****If you are in the Central Ohio area, goat yoga with Dana from Bern Yoga at Harrison Farm is the real deal from May to October. Lots of other events happen at the farm as well. On the Insta @harrisonfarm13 and @bernyoga as well as Facebook.

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