It’s all fun and games until somebody falls in

Miles has had the sneezes for over a week. Big, spraying, far reaching cat sneezes that insure that most of my house is now covered with tiny snot particles. We’ve been to the v-e-t where he got an antibiotic shot and his symptoms have lessened, but after a big snotty sneeze today, I decided to steam him a bit in the bathroom.

The consistent vet advice for snotty cats is to lock them in the bathroom with you while you take a hot shower. The cat allegedly spends bathroom time breathing deeply so as to clear out those clogged passages.

Miles spent his time yelling at me from behind the shower curtain…until he fell in to the tub.

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The very moment that I had soaped up my face, I heard and felt a pump jug of bath gel hit the bottom of the tub along with frantic scrambling noises. I could see just enough to give his booty a boost as Miles frantically tried to pull himself back out. Luckily he was mostly shielded by the curtain.

When I was done and could survey the wet cat damage, I found a soaked tail and flank with wet paws. However Miles had regained his cool and was just chillin’ on the rug hoping this indignity would end in food.

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Peace of Mind (pieces of my mind)

Early in the fall, I had a porch pirate incident. This has never happened to me before; it was exhausting and upsetting. I received a text notification that my package had arrived, and made happy little plans to use the contents when I got home. Of course by the time I got home, packages and text messages had slipped through the Swiss cheese that teaching high school has made my mind.

I didn’t realize that anything was missing until two of my neighbors started pounding on my front door. One neighbor had captured video of my package being stolen. I learned that this neighbor has at least four cameras mounted to cover all angles, must watch them all day long, and that I should wear pants when I walk to my mailbox from now on. The neighbor recognized the punk ass pirate as a neighborhood resident, but wasn’t sure where on the street “the kid” lived.

Hello, non-emergency police dispatcher. I explained my situation and what info I had.

Police Dispatcher: “Ok, we will send out an officer and the two of you can go to the house to confront the thief and get your package.”

Me: awkward pause

Police Dispatcher: “Ma’am?”

Me:“What exactly do you me ‘the officer and I” will go to the house? I don’t have a badge.”

Police Dispatcher: “Do you want us to dispatch an officer or not, Ma’am?”

Me: “So what happens when I ‘confront’ this person, giving him a visual on who I am, and he comes to my house later tonight and assaults me for calling the cops?”

Police Dispatcher: “Do you want us to dispatch an officer or not, Ma’am?”

Me: “YES.”

The officer who drew the short straw was extremely kind, patient, and put maximum effort into my ridiculous problem. Here’s the ridiculous part.

Police Officer: “Ma’am, can you tell me want was in the package and how much it was worth?”

Me: “Yes, it was a half pound of German Red hard neck garlic worth about $20.” (I was going to come home and plant it, dammit!)

Police Officer: gasping for breath, holding stomach “I’m so sorry for laughing.”

Me: “No, dude, it’s either that or cry.”

The officer watched my neighbor’s footage, took screenshots, and proceeded to talk to people on the street until he hit the correct house. The pirate’s mother and twin brother gave him up immediately. Apparently he has issues and this type of behavior was not new to them. Long story short, the idiot pirate and his twin brought the package back to my house after the pirate got home from work. Per the officer’s instructions mom was supposed to come along and witness the interaction, but she could not be bothered (gosh, why does your kid have problems?).

As soon as I saw him, I went into perky teacher mode. Yelling would have zero impact. I’ve had this dipshit in class every year. He reeks of cigarette smoke, looks like he just rolled out of bed in dirty, baggy clothes, and may or may not be high as fuck. Roll the dice. He says things like, “I’ve just got a lot going on right now. I know I need to make better choices. I want to be better and get myself together. I didn’t mean to do it. It will never happen again and I’m really sorry.” Translation: he’s sorry he got caught and has to have this conversation with me because I seem crazy as fuck and won’t stop using his name in every sentence and asking him about his life choices and support systems. It won’t happen again until makes the next stupidly impulsive choice. Rinse. Repeat until he makes the choice that gets him hard jail time or dead.

I explained to Captain Pirate Dipshit that he had made me feel unsafe in my own home and ruined my evening (this ate up 6 plus hours of my life) over a 1/2 pound of garlic. I explained that I would now lay awake at night wondering if he was going to break into my house to kill me because that’s how my brain works. He just kept repeating his stupid litany of “sorry” and “never again.” We might as well have been discussing the bare minimum homework assignments that he would need to do to barely pass the quarter. Deja vu.

The experience left me feeling twitchy and paranoid. I started sending packages to work or to my mom’s house because I could no longer shop online in peace. The only delivery left to steal was the 50 pounds of cat litter from Chewy.

I decided that I would install some Ring cameras so I could feel slightly more secure and watch my stuff get stolen. The cats, of course, were great helpers.

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It took a small part of the evening to set everything up with wifi and app connections. I left the cameras sitting around inside to get a feel for their range and to play with features. For example, Olivia was not comfortable when a static version of my voice came out of a camera in another room.

Sookie looked into the camera like she had just found all the life answers she needed. In the overnight footage, she sat in the same spot in front of the camera from 4 am to 5:30 am. At least one of us feels better.

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While I do feel somewhat better with the cameras installed, the Ring app has not really brought me peace of mind about my neighborhood. The app notifies you about reported and suspicious incidents from other Ring users in your vicinity. I learned, daily it seemed, that the first most popular activity in my neighborhood was trying car doors to see if they are unlocked at 3 in the morning. The second most popular was randomly ripping down people’s Christmas lights. Every perpetrator in the videos looked like they shopped in Captain Pirate Dipshit’s closet. What the fuck is wrong with people? Do they have a lot going on right now?

Adventure Buddy says I need to turn off the notifications before I lose another piece of my mind.

 

 

 

 

Product Placement

Maybe you’re in a post-Christmas “I deserve this!” buying frenzy or maybe your MomBert insists on immediately giving you cash when you request that the cat shoes (for me not the cats) and strobe lights (for the cats) be returned. Let me point your desire to purchase at two sources of varying levels of appropriateness.

Approved for all ages: LinesNShapesJewelry

I first ran into this vendor Trisha Powell at the Craftin’ Outlaws spring show where I bought the dangling blue triangles pictured below. I had hoped to see her again at this year’s December show. However when my sister requested “cool earrings” for Christmas, I headed to her Etsy shop instead.

Due to working Christmas shows, the shop was not quite up- to-date, but she was quick to message me with alternatives when a pair I ordered was not actually in stock. Trisha was kind enough to send me several pictures including a pair that I described having seen earlier in her shop. My sister got her “cool” circles with gray and blue acrylic flow. I gifted myself with the dangling green pair that I had previously loved, and the marbled circles that my visceral response to was “Oh. Crap. Sold.” when Trisha shared their picture. All of the earrings are hand painted wood and incredibly light weight. I would absolutely spend money here again!

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Approved for anyone who likes to “use fuck like a comma“: ChicalooKate

It’s so smart that our local arts and crafts shows have started to have their vendors do social media takeovers before the show. I have absolutely been sucked in by seeing Instagram posts of the artists’ products and processes, then immediately planning to attend a show.

I saw ChicalooKate’s takeover for Craftin’ Outlaws and swore to find her at the show for a mug that said “Calm your tits!” which my darling sister had recently said to me in her snottiest little sister voice. Adventure Buddy was along for the shopping extravaganza and secretly bought me a mug as well.

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I was overwhelmed by the snarky goodness of the whole booth. Magnets, mugs , pencils etc… What seemed like the entire script of Christmas Vacation in magnet form. I kind of wanted one of everything. However I restrained myself to the desired mug, some magnet stocking stuffers, and a few stickers.

It all wrapped up nicely when another friend visiting from out of state gifted me with a sticker and all I could say was “YOU know ChicalooKate too!”

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New Year’s Resolutions: Couple Goals

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I don’t think I’ve ever been as blissed out by anyone’s kisses as Sookie is by Miles. No human dating apps on the horizon for 2020. It’s much easier to just watchmy cats’ soap opera than it is to deal with actual humans. The cats do not disappoint and theirs has been a long running relationship.

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I guess I’ll never understand why their romance typically takes place in the smallest bed we own.

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This looks adorable, but that is her “I’ve had enough” face.