If you have children then you know the feeling of horror, shame, and embarrassment which comes with discovering that YOUR child has done something that you are 99.9% certain YOU taught them NOT to do.
This moment is rarely private. Maybe it comes with another parent or teacher reporting back to you about your child’s actions. I know I have had to be on the reporting end enough times. “Today your daughter chose to show her piercings to the publication staff. Yes, the nipples.” (True story.)
Perhaps your child chooses a public venue to demonstrate his or her abilities. On our way back from Florida, my parents took me to a lecture at a nuclear power plant. (I blame my father.) I was maybe 4 years old. According to legend, I stood up and shrieked, “I don’t want to be here!” The speaker responded with, “Sometimes I don’t want to be here either.” Very little has changed in my public behavior or in expressions of dissatisfaction…parenting fail.
The horror, the shame, and the embarrassment sink in because, real or imagined, self inflicted or otherwise, you have been judged. You are a bad parent.
I know the horror, shame, and embarrassment because my kid pooped on the floor.
This was no accidental poo! No dingle berry stuck to someone’s fluffy haunches! This was a poo of intent!
In addition to bringing up all the images of animal hoarders, bad pet owners, and an immediate relative’s filthy house where this would be commonplace, it also raises questions:
Is this an “I don’t feel well” poo?
Is this an “I hate mommy for leaving for slightly more than 24 hours!” poo?
Is this a “Holy shit! That was scary!” poo?
Is this an “I dislike the cat litter/ new litterboxes/ our food/ the service around here/ this blue rug” poo?
Is this an “OMG I’m gonna poo! Good thing this isn’t carpet or diarrhea!” poo?
I was horrified and worried. I made all the parental excuses to the sitter. This had never happened before! I was so sorry! The sitter re-assured me that all was well.
I was a bad parent.
Mostly I was worried that someone was sick and that this was only step one on a path to bad behavior. Getting back home, my first move was to do a “poo sweep” of the house. Completely afraid of what I would find.
I began the interrogation with Olivia Wigglebothum. My love may have squeezed poo out of her.
Birdie shared my horror. She was aghast!
Miles was just heartbroken (or is it guilt?) that anyone would deface the Happy Morning Sunshine Room’s floor in such a way.
As per usual, Sookie said that speaking of poo, we were all behaving like assholes and, of course, she would never poo on the floor!