On trend this week are imaginary conversations that students have had with me.
I have a lot of imaginary conversations in my head, usually in stressful situations. Often in anticipation of angry; awkward; uncomfortable; or hard, but necessary conversations. My family, students, colleagues, and friends all tear shit up in my head on a regular basis. This crap keeps me up at night.
That and recently this Britney Spears song because of the Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse.
I field my fair share of student created lies, but this week just got a little weird.
Disclaimer: The following imaginary conversations are based on real imaginary conversations that “really” happened on some plain of existence. The contents of these real imaginary conversations have been altered to protect someone, most likely imaginary. Probably not me. “Reasonable deniability.”
Imaginary Conversation 1: (Remember these are altered…mostly.)
Student 1:”OH-MUH-GAWD, Throgdor texted me last period like yelling at me, and she said that she told you she was quitting bunny petting duty and that I had to give her my acorns!”
Me: “Throgdor and I did NOT have a conversation about her quitting bunny petting duty. I had the same acorn supply conversation with her as I had with you.”
Student 1:”Well, that’s what she said, and the text was really screamy.”
Me: “Please text Throgdor and tell her that the bunny petting/acorn supply schedule has been posted, and that she should see me for further issues. ”
Later that day when she came to see me, Throgdor denied all screamy texting, could not account for the alleged bunny petting conversation she supposedly had with me, was told she would have to deal with her own acorn supply, and said “Ok” a lot while giving me crazy side-eye and edging away.
**Just in case you think I’m Throgdor biased, I’ve known Student 1 longer and Throgdor has been really sketchy as of late.
***If you are considering reproducing, please keep in mind that it takes a cold day in Hell for most teens to fully fess up to any bullshit they have pulled.They are psychotically committed to the lie.
Imaginary Conversation 2:
Student 2: yelling at me during my lunch which should be quiet grown up time, but never is except for Zombie Tuesdays (A colleague and I discuss The Walking Dead on Tuesdays.)
“DID YOU THROW AWAY MY FLASK OF WARM URINE!”
Me: “Yes, I did.”
Student 2: “I specifically told you not to throw that away!”
Me: “We did NOT have a conversation about your flask of warm urine.”
Student 2: grumbling “Well, I told Throgdor not to throw it away!”
Me: “I am not Throgdor.”
Student 2: “Well, I was going to drink that!”
Me: “Well, I’m going to remind you…again…that when I found half drunk flasks of warm urine sitting around the mortuary, I’m going to throw them away. You don’t live here.”
***My work space is often mistaken for students’ homes where yelling at grown ups, walking on furniture, and leaving all manner of partially consumed sustenance laying about is apparently okay.
Imaginary Conversation 3:
This one came in the form of an email to all of the student’s teachers- that’s me!- from…let’s say…the student’s “life coach”/keeper.
You are getting this email because Throgdor showed me a work log today that allegedly all of you signed. Oddly enough, all of your signatures are identical and none of you made note of any homework assignments or missing assignments.
Throgdor swears by the Great Sword of Melmack that this is legit, and, really, isn’t the point that Throgdor take care of this record on Throgdor’s own?
I pressed Throgdor to email all of you individually and at that point Throgdor broke, admitting that this was an “old” work log.
Throgdor sorry now.
***Note that Throgdor never copped to badly forging all the signatures. It was just an old log. Damn it, Throgdor.
The Real Conversation:
I know that all the conversations I have with my cats are real. I’m pretty sure I can trust that. Sure they don’t make a ton on sense, but no one is lying about anything so that’s nice.
Me: “I love you bunches.”
Cats:”Mousie? Where’s mousie?”
Me: “I want to give you hugs.”
Cats:”OMG! Over there! No over there!”
Me: “You guys are silly.”