I was going to do so many ridiculous things…

At first this whole school closing thing felt like an impending snow day. The storm was coming, we knew it was going to be serious, but there was still that slightly contained giddiness of “Holy shit! I’m gonna get to sleep in!” There was no way they were going shut us down, maybe we’d get an extra week tagged on to spring break. But shut down? No way.

Then within the space of about 45 minutes from the governor’s decision to the official district email, they shut us down on a Friday the 13th no less.

Briefly, unrealistically, time opened up and I was going to do so many ridiculous things. It was going to be hiking and new restaurants with Bloody Marys.

Unfortunately, it rained 3 inches overnight and created flash flooding, and restaurants are now only allowed to offer carry out or delivery. No sitting and enjoying.

A new tattoo sounded like a good use of time. Maybe some bees around some existing flowers. Nope. On the 18th they shut down all hair and nail salons, and tattoo parlors.

Ok. Cats. What about adopting another cat since I am now going to be home for an extended period? I mean I can’t really take a new cat to the vet because my vet is only doing virtual check ups or hand offs in the parking lot. However all of my favorite shelters have closed to visitors unless there was an adoption already in the works. Probably for the best.

Birdie says that there are more than enough cats on these sheets.

I also have an overwhelming urge to buy toilet paper, but clearly that’s not happening.

Back in the good old days of March 12 when Target still had paper towels at the end of the aisle.

The reality is that time hasn’t really opened up. When I wake up at 3 am to go pee, my brain starts making lists and running what-if scenarios. Which might be part of the explanation for why I-on total going to work auto pilot- backed my car into my garage door as enthusiastically as possible. I self-isolated by trapping myself and my vehicle in the garage.

We got out, but I’ve put in as many hours this week as normal setting up e-Learning and trying to wrap my head around how to move forward in an engaging way when none of my instructional cat videos will load to our online classroom! Our tech people are on it; they’ve had the lion’s share of organizing, building, and teaching the teachers.

I can’t complain that I get to keep working when that is not the case for so many. I’m not sick and I don’t know anyone who is…yet. But I did cancel my normal spring break time when I would have been hanging out with MomBert because I was increasingly paranoid about infecting her as well as the looming possibility of a state wide or national lockdown. These cats won’t feed themselves.

Meanwhile my students are looking at a blackhole for the end of their school year. Spring quarter at a high school is an unending shit show of state testing, awards ceremonies for every group in existence, Senior-itis at its peak, prom, and graduation. Very few of those things are projected to happen now. They may end up with a certificate in the mail and a gathering of 10 people or less to celebrate unless those get outlawed.

At least when the weather changes, I might be able to practice some social distancing with a hike.

******By the way this was supposed to be a light, jokey post about how all my trivial plans were systematically shut down by the government, but that went sideways about as quickly as a quarantine order. Sorry.

Righteous Side eye

Two Targets and a website search later, I could not provide my children with the Cardboard Haunted Mansion for cats. The Target employee who helped me said they suddenly started selling out. I blame it on the number of articles I’ve seen about the house.

Sorry, kids.

However Target #2 did have a small in the lion mane I’ve been eyeing.

Sorry, kids.

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It has a certain rock star quality. I feel like Miles is channeling 80’s Bon Jovi. Side eye and snarrrrrrl.

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Look at that hair toss!

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He hates it, but I think he hates Olivia’s photo bomb more. Indignant!

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Not to be left out, The Wigglebothum brings her dance moves to the stage.

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Sookie also wore the wig, but her photo was just too sad to share. It’s like I broke a part of her heart.

Cats on cats are weird

Day 1 We’re going to make the bed! She’s into it and prepared to add hair to these clean cats.

Day 2 OMIGOD THERE ARE CATS AND THEY ARE TERRIFYING! NEVER. SLEEPING. AGAIN.

And she left.

To be fair, she was completely freaked out by the edge of the pillowcase which makes so much more sense.

Day 3 She makes sure to settle in on my side so that I have to awkwardly crawl in from the other side.

Out cold.

These sheets are from Target. The Opal House brand. I saw them on Instagram modeled by Clarence the bread truck kitty over at @eddiethelilaclion

Deep Thoughts, not even remotely handy

*I’ve been keeping this list on my phone. Why? Why not? It amuses me.

I put my seatbelt on, lock the door, and get everything situated before opening the garage door. You never know when you might have to back over a zombie hoard of your neighbors.

I have multiple colors of Fiestaware. Colors that are the same cannot touch in the cabinet and it is ill advised to eat from dishes of the same color. I don’t know why. I don’t even let the cats use the same colors.

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I think fitness apps should have an option for when everything you ate comes flying out your butt an hour later for no apparent reason. That’s got to cut the carbs in half, right?

I don’t understand WHY my body doesn’t digest certain foods. Mushrooms for example. How hard can they be to digest? “Mush” is in the name.

I use the cats as an excuse not to vacuum. If everyone is adorably sleeping, I don’t want to disturb them.
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Watching Deadpool makes me happy. Could be the musical selections. Could be all the sass and swearing.

Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale is probably one of my favorite books. (No, I haven’t watched the t.v. show. I read books, bitches!) It was shockingly easy in that book to turn women into class-less members of society who basically get raped by old white men in leadership positions. I watch our current government and presume that they are just a chapter away from reading this as a how-to manual.

Life Lesson: if you put Icy Hot on your knees because they are suddenly old as fuck, and THEN pull on your pj bottoms, there is great potential to get Icy Hot on your crotchular area. Icy Hot does not belong there. You’re welcome.

I miss my garden spider.

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Crockpots are terrifying to me. Why would I leave a hot cooking thing on while I wander off for 7-8 hours? What would the cats do? Only recently have I started to use a crockpot (all recipes from Damn Delicious) but we are strictly on a 3-4 hour while I’m at home relationship. Unfortunately I suspect my 19.99 Target bargain is on its way out. The tiny light won’t turn on and my potatoes didn’t really cook. People are like”Meh, buy an instapot!” Me: “Those fuckers explode.”

Yea, I’m just a grocery trip away from buying ONE of these masks.

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Unicorns vs. Sharks

The Target $1 bin never fails to amuse me. I know Birdie is grateful I shop there.

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Tragic Unicorn is her look.

A herd of unicorns stampeding through my kitchen was just what the end to an exhausting day called for.

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You can almost hear their tiny hooves.

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However every story needs a little drama so I threw a shark into the herd.

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Cue the music from Jaws as he scans the depths for treats!

duunnn dunnn… duuuunnnn duun…

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duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn

No! Birdie, look out there’s a shark!!!!

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Shark: “Nope. I’m not messing with her. Movin’ on!”

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Catzilla’s Revenge! This time he brought a friend.

Catzilla re-emerges to rampage through the kitchen with his sidekick mini-Catzilla created from the depths of the Target $1 bin size SMALL!

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ROWR! Appease us with treats!

Rub our tummies!

Take these stupid costumes off us! Right meow!!

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I feel like they both just looked at each other and, with zero sense of irony, said, “You look ridiculous.”

She’s Excited to Save!

I think at this point, we mostly assume that one company sells our info to other companies or that certain actions somehow put our info on a company’s radar. For example, I recently got a new insurance quote and now my mailbox is overflowing with an onslaught of insurance offers from other companies. 

Birdie recently got a human medication prescription filled at Target. Target pharmacies has melded with (bought out by?) CVS pharmacies. 

And just to be clear Birdie is a CAT. 

C-A-T…cat


However, today she got mail! She’s super excited to start her prescription savings!


Suck it, information sellers! Birdie doesn’t even get an allowance. 

She’s Excited to Save!

I think at this point, we mostly assume that one company sells our info to other companies or that certain actions somehow put our info on a company’s radar. For example, I recently got a new insurance quote and now my mailbox is overflowing with an onslaught of insurance offers from other companies. 

Birdie recently got a human medication prescription filled at Target. Target pharmacies has melded with (bought out by?) CVS pharmacies. 

And just to be clear Birdie is a CAT. 

C-A-T…cat


However, today she got mail! She’s super excited to start her prescription savings!


Suck it, information sellers! Birdie doesn’t even get an allowance.