Righteous Side eye

Two Targets and a website search later, I could not provide my children with the Cardboard Haunted Mansion for cats. The Target employee who helped me said they suddenly started selling out. I blame it on the number of articles I’ve seen about the house.

Sorry, kids.

However Target #2 did have a small in the lion mane I’ve been eyeing.

Sorry, kids.

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It has a certain rock star quality. I feel like Miles is channeling 80’s Bon Jovi. Side eye and snarrrrrrl.

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Look at that hair toss!

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He hates it, but I think he hates Olivia’s photo bomb more. Indignant!

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Not to be left out, The Wigglebothum brings her dance moves to the stage.

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Sookie also wore the wig, but her photo was just too sad to share. It’s like I broke a part of her heart.

Cats on cats are weird

Day 1 We’re going to make the bed! She’s into it and prepared to add hair to these clean cats.

Day 2 OMIGOD THERE ARE CATS AND THEY ARE TERRIFYING! NEVER. SLEEPING. AGAIN.

And she left.

To be fair, she was completely freaked out by the edge of the pillowcase which makes so much more sense.

Day 3 She makes sure to settle in on my side so that I have to awkwardly crawl in from the other side.

Out cold.

These sheets are from Target. The Opal House brand. I saw them on Instagram modeled by Clarence the bread truck kitty over at @eddiethelilaclion

Deep Thoughts, not even remotely handy

*I’ve been keeping this list on my phone. Why? Why not? It amuses me.

I put my seatbelt on, lock the door, and get everything situated before opening the garage door. You never know when you might have to back over a zombie hoard of your neighbors.

I have multiple colors of Fiestaware. Colors that are the same cannot touch in the cabinet and it is ill advised to eat from dishes of the same color. I don’t know why. I don’t even let the cats use the same colors.

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I think fitness apps should have an option for when everything you ate comes flying out your butt an hour later for no apparent reason. That’s got to cut the carbs in half, right?

I don’t understand WHY my body doesn’t digest certain foods. Mushrooms for example. How hard can they be to digest? “Mush” is in the name.

I use the cats as an excuse not to vacuum. If everyone is adorably sleeping, I don’t want to disturb them.
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Watching Deadpool makes me happy. Could be the musical selections. Could be all the sass and swearing.

Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale is probably one of my favorite books. (No, I haven’t watched the t.v. show. I read books, bitches!) It was shockingly easy in that book to turn women into class-less members of society who basically get raped by old white men in leadership positions. I watch our current government and presume that they are just a chapter away from what reading this as a how-to manual.

Life Lesson: if you put Icy Hot on your knees because they are suddenly old as fuck, and THEN pull on your pj bottoms, there is great potential to get Icy Hot on your crotchular area. Icy Hot does not belong there. You’re welcome.

I miss my garden spider.

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Crockpots are terrifying to me. Why would I leave a hot cooking thing on while I wander off for 7-8 hours? What would the cats do? Only recently have I started to use a crockpot (all recipes from Damn Delicious) but we are strictly on a 3-4 hour while I’m at home relationship. Unfortunately I suspect my 19.99 Target bargain is on its way out. The tiny light won’t turn on and my potatoes didn’t really cook. People are like”Meh, buy an instapot!” Me: “Those fuckers explode.”

Yea, I’m just a grocery trip away from buying ONE of these masks.

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Unicorns vs. Sharks

The Target $1 bin never fails to amuse me. I know Birdie is grateful I shop there.

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Tragic Unicorn is her look.

A herd of unicorns stampeding through my kitchen was just what the end to an exhausting day called for.

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You can almost hear their tiny hooves.

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However every story needs a little drama so I threw a shark into the herd.

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Cue the music from Jaws as he scans the depths for treats!

duunnn dunnn… duuuunnnn duun…

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duuunnnnnnnn dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn dunnnn

No! Birdie, look out there’s a shark!!!!

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Shark: “Nope. I’m not messing with her. Movin’ on!”

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Catzilla’s Revenge! This time he brought a friend.

Catzilla re-emerges to rampage through the kitchen with his sidekick mini-Catzilla created from the depths of the Target $1 bin size SMALL!

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ROWR! Appease us with treats!

Rub our tummies!

Take these stupid costumes off us! Right meow!!

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I feel like they both just looked at each other and, with zero sense of irony, said, “You look ridiculous.”

She’s Excited to Save!

I think at this point, we mostly assume that one company sells our info to other companies or that certain actions somehow put our info on a company’s radar. For example, I recently got a new insurance quote and now my mailbox is overflowing with an onslaught of insurance offers from other companies. 

Birdie recently got a human medication prescription filled at Target. Target pharmacies has melded with (bought out by?) CVS pharmacies. 

And just to be clear Birdie is a CAT. 

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However, today she got mail! She’s super excited to start her prescription savings!


Suck it, information sellers! Birdie doesn’t even get an allowance.