Toad Prom

Prom was this weekend. I saw things that I can’t unsee. It didn’t help that there was a balcony for the teachers that gave a bird’s eye view in to the inferno.

It’s hard to talk about it anymore. Prom PTSD?

I went for a walk at a park the next day, and got sucked in to the same situation all over again. First, there was an obnoxious, unintelligible, screeching noise that I couldn’t figure out. Was it natural? Was it mechanical? Was someone torturing a robot? Is this what the youngsters call music?

Then there were a few individuals who thought they were more than qualified to add to the general noise and chaos. Always with the yelling and the screaming!

This guy:

All shapes and sizes. Couples and singles and groups galore. All mingling and cavorting amongst decorative “streamers” of eggs and other bodily bits and pieces.

They also let me get pretty close with a camera because they just did not care! Kind of like the student who had a whole conversation with me about his mother while he was going deep on his date. Didn’t miss a stroke and his date never stood up. “Ok, catch ya’ later.”


These toads are the best photographic approximation I can give (plausible deniability, like my job etc etc…)to how teenagers dance. I assume the teenagers are not TRYING to breed, but it’s a fine line.

At least the toads don’t pull up their dresses to the waist to adjust their Spanx while chatting with friends in the middle of the dance floor.


Updated: Hilarity or Confusion Ensued

Besides the $16.50 I got at Half Price Books and the amount of cheese I ate for dinner tonight, complete dumbfounded confusion was today’s best occurrence.

I guess Jennifer Love Hewitt is the next book over so maybe NOBODY reads these.

I guess Jennifer Love Hewitt is the next book over so maybe NOBODY reads these.

I went to the library in search of something completely frivolous and ridiculous to read. The three books I have going right now are killing me slowly with their dark, serious themes. I could not remember if I had read Tucker Max’s third book Hilarity Ensues so I looked it up and headed to where the call numbers directed me. I was expecting to end up in the section that houses comedic collections like Chelsea Handler’s Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea or Stephen Colbert’s rants about America. In other words the “funny section.”

Instead, I ended up in what seemed to be the “How- to” section on sex and relationships. Titles such as Finding the Doorbell: Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul (hmmmmm wonder what that doorbell symbolizes?), The End of Sex (oh, dear!), and Sex at Dawn (it’s a history book) filled the shelf. I had one of those extended “ooooooookkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy” reactions and started looking around the aisle for some kind of sign or label, but nestled amidst all the sexual how-to’s was I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Tucker Max’s first book. The call number was correct.

None of this will seem weird or funny unless you know Tucker Max. Tucker Max is an ASSHOLE (his words). Check him out: He is one of those writers that you know you are destined to rot in Hell for reading and laughing at, but he’s also just too fucking funny and wrong. Reading any of the “The Tucker Max Stories” should immediately illustrate why he might not be a good guide for healthy relationships, sexual or otherwise. I recommend “The Midget Story”; it’s fucked up and it makes me think of my friend who is obsessed with basically making a Mexican midget her house slave.

So with my prior knowledge of Tucker Max’s stories roiling around my brain, I stood there staring at his extremely misplaced book and tried to figure out what to do. First course of action, go back out to my car, get phone, take picture, tweet this ridiculous occurrence for extended documentation. Done.

Second course of action, do I tell a librarian? Presumably they can’t read every book on the shelves and they may not be the ones who have the power to categorize and label each book,  but this is just so wrong. Would they appreciate my insight? Question my taste in literature? Or just stare at me in horror as I tried to explain Tucker Max to them. What could I tell them:

  • He gets insanely, inhumanly drunk in almost all of his stories and does things that you would only expect to see in the world’s worst frat house.
  • He has sex repeatedly with a number of women, some because they’re there, some for the novelty. Novelty example: girl with colostomy bag and no asshole. Midget three-way.
  • One story involves him running across a hotel lobby wearing boxer shorts and massively shitting himself. The running motion, of course, smattered his back and most of the lobby with feces.
  • A model gives him head and swallows because she is diabetic and the cum stabilizes her blood sugar…sort of.
  • He had a friend hide in a closet and film the proceedings the first time he convinced a girl to have anal sex with him.

Seriously, where would I start this conversation at the very public service desk located in the middle of the library. Maybe I’ve missed something. Maybe the books were categorized as such to demonstrate a very open and free sexuality as well as how to convince someone to suck your dick while you are taking a shit. I don’t know. I’m not a librarian.

Yes, library, those are the subjects in incredibly broad terms.

Yes, library, those are the subjects in incredibly broad terms.

Updated: I finally decided to email to email the public library and received this very detailed response which only leads me to even more strongly believe that no one there has ever read a book by Tucker Max. I forwarded it to some friends.Question: Hi, I noticed today that Tucker Max’s books are located at 306.7 which appears to be the sex/relationship “how to ” section. I know that it is impossible to read all the books in the library but this categorization is incredibly wrong. His stories are basically about getting drunk and having as much sex with as many women as possible. Take a moment to check out some of his stories at or read a couple chapters of one of his books. He should probably be shelved next to Chelsea Handler.


Date: Fri, 9 Aug 2013 08:23:58 -0400

From: TSCollectionDevelopmentDivision


Subject: RE: Ask-A-Librarian

Thank you for sharing your concern about the Dewey classification of Tucker Max’s books. I’ve looked into the Dewey number we’ve used and compared his books to others in that class number. It seems that these books are not out of place in this area. I also looked at the Dewey Decimal schedules and found the following notes at 306.7: Class here interdisciplinary works on relations between the sexes, sex, sexual love For sexual ethics, see 176 For problems and controversies concerning various sexual relations, see 363.4 For sex offenses, see 364.153 For customs pertaining to relations between the sexes, see 392.6 For sexual hygiene, see 613.95 For sexual techniques, see 613.96 I also noted that the Library of Congress recommended the use of this number for these books. At this time we won’t be moving these books to another area. Sincerely, Cathy



Sent: 10 Aug 2013 14:03:43 GMT

To: t t home,n home

Subject: Here is the response I got from CML about Tucker Max. WTF, Polar Bear?