I have pumpkin ass juice all over me. There is a trail of pumpkin ass juice across my living room and out the back door.
I thought I could make it.
I swear that last night my jack-o-lanterns were fine and healthy specimens waiting to transition to the outside world tonight. I hadn’t put them out yet because last night was a damned monsoon.
However when I got home this evening, they had changed… SIGNIFICANTLY!
I glanced up from prepping dinner, and had to pause at what I saw. Both pumpkins looked like they had just stepped away from shooting the Nazi face melting scene in Raiders.
At first I thought,”Oh, they’ve tipped. Silly, nosy cats. ”
Then, “OH MY GOD DID I LEAVE THE CANDLES BURNING ALL NIGHT?! WHY AM I NOT BURNED ALIVE?!”
Closer inspection revealed that both pumpkins had collapsed in on themselves and that the interiors were forests of blackish green mold.
As with any dead body, decomposition was happening and juices were seeping …off the table and on to my carpet.
This pumpkin peed itself.
There were paper towels and plastic gloves in my future. As well as a race against the clock to clean up the mess before trick or treating started and I had to turn the lights out. I’m not in love with trick or treaters.
The littler pumpkin was easy enough. A few paper towels to sop up the puddle of liquified gourd, and a Target bagged slipped under its now pliable, spongy bottom.
Unfortunately, the larger pumpkin was sitting in its own puddle of juices and began to squish and leak even more as I tried to maneuver it off the table.
This called for another Target bag and a two handed grip. A smarter person would have just encased the whole mess in a garbage bag and called it a day, but, no, I had this.
Except for the part where I ran across my living room to the back door as rotted pumpkin ass juice spattered down my front, oozed through my fingers and on to my shoes and carpet.
Imagine running with, let’s say, an un-diapered baby who has diarrhea and is happily making it rain with the occasional semi-solid plop.
The black spot on the right is mold.
I can only handle one physical/emotional/bodily juices life crisis a night so I really hope this is it for tonight.
I don’t think my squirrel army will even touch these.
******My stupid ,fucking horrible, neighbors are setting off fireworks! Halloween fireworks????!