The Summer To-Do That Won’t Get To-Done….probably

The Farmer’s Almanac says that TODAY is the summer solstice which means that today is technically the first day of summer! That means that this list is totally timely and meaningful!

I’m as surprised as anyone. 

I’ve been thinking about writing this list since the last day of school which was three weeks ago. That delay is more typical of my procrastination skills. My report card comment would say: “Sets goals and fails to

Me versus rain barrel. A battle 5 years in the making.

Me versus rain barrel. A battle 5 years in the making.

meet them.” For example, I’ve wanted to install a rain barrel since I bought my house…five years ago. When did I finally install one? A week ago. It didn’t matter that over an extended period of time  I’ve researched it, priced it and thought extensively of how a rain barrel would benefit my garden, it just didn’t get done. Oh, well.

I feel like if I was more goal oriented, I would get more done like cleaning my house, grading papers, exercising etc… But aside from things involving my cats and their well being, there is nothing that mentally makes me think, “Go get ’em, Tiger! Let’s do this.” The mental monologue is generally more along the lines of: “Hmmmm…well…fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.”

So this is basically a “to-do” list that may or may not get done but will be considered extensively.

1. Conquer my grill.- I bought a grill. It cost too much. I’m afraid of it. The instruction manual was quite brief, but involved the words “fire, explodes and danger” at a frequency that confirmed all the paranoid visions I have of what would happen were it left up to me to grill stuff. I have made a few simple meals thus far but with great trepidation.

It's gray and it has friends.

It’s gray and it has friends.

2. Figure out what color my hair is.- This goal is perfect because it requires me to do NOTHING except wash my hair and since it is summer, I barely have to do that! By temperament and skin tone, I should have been a natural red head. I blame my parents for their shoddy genetics. I’ve been dyeing my hair since college when we all started playing with bowls of henna dye that looked like mud pies – dirty hippies. Since I fully acknowledge that the carpet does not match the drapes, I have the freedom to dye my hair whatever ridiculous unnatural shade of red I want. However I have noticed within the past year that there are some extra shiny, light strands that don’t quite take the dye like they ought to.

3. Avoid committing to unnecessary activities that I don’t want to do.-It’s summer, duh.

4. Get to a point where I can stop getting that anxious feeling that I had better hurry up and have fun before I have to go to school. – This one is tough given summer workshops, online work and conversations with teacher friends during which we talk about ….school.

5. Attend the World’s Longest Yard Sale. -So cool! I love other people’s junk!

6. Solve the hairball problem.– Dramatic long-suffering sigh- My oldest cat’s capacity for hairballs is stunning. When she gets enough built up, she can wake me up 3-4 nights running with her dry heaving followed by a wet slapping sound that my brain always visualizes as her intestines smacking together. She can only throw up a hairball between 3 a.m.- 5 a.m. During the school year, her preference is Sunday nights when I can barely get to sleep as is. Due to the frequency, a routine has developed.

The Routine: Last night I was peacefully having sex dreams about Jason Segel (  when the dry heaving began. The sound of a hairball will bring me directly out of bed and flailing for a light switch. Find cat- she’s usually sleeping next to me if not on me-; pull rug out of small bathroom; toss cat- gently- into bathroom; close bathroom door; lay back down on bed; listen to what seems like an eternity (actual time about 5 minutes) of what someone with the Ebola virus might sound like; wonder if she’s dying but am too sleepy to get concerned; listen for paw scratching door, signaling that she is done barfing; wait another minute just to be sure; release barfy cat from bathroom; assure other 3 cats who never get hairballs that all is well; return to bed. ***An alternative to the routine is her waiting about 15 minutes, just so I’m almost asleep again, before she barfs in the living room.

I am waiting until you are asleep so I may vomit repeatedly.

I am waiting until you are asleep so I may vomit repeatedly.

Jason Segel and I will never be able to consummate our love until this problem is solved.

7. Lose weight, be healthier.- This has been on the “to-do” list since birth. I’m so sick of it that it barely warrants mentioning yet here it is. You would think that this would inspire that goal oriented mindset but it is way easier and more pleasant to take naps than it is to exercise. I just have to stay away from shame triggering reflective surfaces and be resigned to never have sex again unless it’s with a dude who has built a shed for his tool (Get it? He’s a fatty too.) because realistically we rarely end up with people outside our own zones of attractiveness.

8. Take naps.- Fuck yea, I’m gonna take naps! Whoot!!! And then I’m going to stay up until midnight watching bad t.v. Cause it’ summer, motherfucker! Blonde doctor always gives me the stink eye when I respond that yes I do take the occasional nap. I have decided that she is jealous. She has children which are natural nap preventatives and she must maintain whatever lifestyle gets you your own Pelotonia poster that you can creepily smile out from in all your exam rooms.

9. Fantasize that someone pays me for writing this.– Even if it was just a little fun money, wouldn’t it be nice if I could somehow be paid to rant, make stupid lists, and use profanity? If you’ve ever read my blog and laughed or peed a little, you owe me  a dollar.

10. Date?– This could be  a whole entry by itself. While this would provide good writing material, see #7 on attractiveness zones and #2 on level of commitment to maintaining appearance and being clean.

I nominate the following as Best Sentence in This Post:

“Last night I was peacefully having sex dreams about Jason Segel when the dry heaving began.”

Remember, you owe me  a dollar.