Peace of Mind (pieces of my mind)

Early in the fall, I had a porch pirate incident. This has never happened to me before; it was exhausting and upsetting. I received a text notification that my package had arrived, and made happy little plans to use the contents when I got home. Of course by the time I got home, packages and text messages had slipped through the Swiss cheese that teaching high school has made my mind.

I didn’t realize that anything was missing until two of my neighbors started pounding on my front door. One neighbor had captured video of my package being stolen. I learned that this neighbor has at least four cameras mounted to cover all angles, must watch them all day long, and that I should wear pants when I walk to my mailbox from now on. The neighbor recognized the punk ass pirate as a neighborhood resident, but wasn’t sure where on the street “the kid” lived.

Hello, non-emergency police dispatcher. I explained my situation and what info I had.

Police Dispatcher: “Ok, we will send out an officer and the two of you can go to the house to confront the thief and get your package.”

Me: awkward pause

Police Dispatcher: “Ma’am?”

Me:“What exactly do you me ‘the officer and I” will go to the house? I don’t have a badge.”

Police Dispatcher: “Do you want us to dispatch an officer or not, Ma’am?”

Me: “So what happens when I ‘confront’ this person, giving him a visual on who I am, and he comes to my house later tonight and assaults me for calling the cops?”

Police Dispatcher: “Do you want us to dispatch an officer or not, Ma’am?”

Me: “YES.”

The officer who drew the short straw was extremely kind, patient, and put maximum effort into my ridiculous problem. Here’s the ridiculous part.

Police Officer: “Ma’am, can you tell me want was in the package and how much it was worth?”

Me: “Yes, it was a half pound of German Red hard neck garlic worth about $20.” (I was going to come home and plant it, dammit!)

Police Officer: gasping for breath, holding stomach “I’m so sorry for laughing.”

Me: “No, dude, it’s either that or cry.”

The officer watched my neighbor’s footage, took screenshots, and proceeded to talk to people on the street until he hit the correct house. The pirate’s mother and twin brother gave him up immediately. Apparently he has issues and this type of behavior was not new to them. Long story short, the idiot pirate and his twin brought the package back to my house after the pirate got home from work. Per the officer’s instructions mom was supposed to come along and witness the interaction, but she could not be bothered (gosh, why does your kid have problems?).

As soon as I saw him, I went into perky teacher mode. Yelling would have zero impact. I’ve had this dipshit in class every year. He reeks of cigarette smoke, looks like he just rolled out of bed in dirty, baggy clothes, and may or may not be high as fuck. Roll the dice. He says things like, “I’ve just got a lot going on right now. I know I need to make better choices. I want to be better and get myself together. I didn’t mean to do it. It will never happen again and I’m really sorry.” Translation: he’s sorry he got caught and has to have this conversation with me because I seem crazy as fuck and won’t stop using his name in every sentence and asking him about his life choices and support systems. It won’t happen again until makes the next stupidly impulsive choice. Rinse. Repeat until he makes the choice that gets him hard jail time or dead.

I explained to Captain Pirate Dipshit that he had made me feel unsafe in my own home and ruined my evening (this ate up 6 plus hours of my life) over a 1/2 pound of garlic. I explained that I would now lay awake at night wondering if he was going to break into my house to kill me because that’s how my brain works. He just kept repeating his stupid litany of “sorry” and “never again.” We might as well have been discussing the bare minimum homework assignments that he would need to do to barely pass the quarter. Deja vu.

The experience left me feeling twitchy and paranoid. I started sending packages to work or to my mom’s house because I could no longer shop online in peace. The only delivery left to steal was the 50 pounds of cat litter from Chewy.

I decided that I would install some Ring cameras so I could feel slightly more secure and watch my stuff get stolen. The cats, of course, were great helpers.


It took a small part of the evening to set everything up with wifi and app connections. I left the cameras sitting around inside to get a feel for their range and to play with features. For example, Olivia was not comfortable when a static version of my voice came out of a camera in another room.

Sookie looked into the camera like she had just found all the life answers she needed. In the overnight footage, she sat in the same spot in front of the camera from 4 am to 5:30 am. At least one of us feels better.


While I do feel somewhat better with the cameras installed, the Ring app has not really brought me peace of mind about my neighborhood. The app notifies you about reported and suspicious incidents from other Ring users in your vicinity. I learned, daily it seemed, that the first most popular activity in my neighborhood was trying car doors to see if they are unlocked at 3 in the morning. The second most popular was randomly ripping down people’s Christmas lights. Every perpetrator in the videos looked like they shopped in Captain Pirate Dipshit’s closet. What the fuck is wrong with people? Do they have a lot going on right now?

Adventure Buddy says I need to turn off the notifications before I lose another piece of my mind.





One thought on “Peace of Mind (pieces of my mind)

  1. Pingback: I was going to do so many ridiculous things… | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

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