Unspecific-ally Obese

All my brain wants to do this fall is forget appointments. I have been SURPRISED by at least two different appointments, and have been constantly scrambling to reschedule things to avoid being charged for “Holy shit!” completely blanking on various medical appointments. So I was more annoyed than shocked when the nurse at my morning appointment questioned why I had a thyroid appointment booked at a different office for the same day.

She misread the appointment info, but fortunately reminded me that 6 months ago my endocrinologist had scheduled her usual followup appointment. Unfortunately, having rescheduled the appointment I was currently sitting in three separate times,  it now aligned so that I would miss the exact same day of school NEXT week for the endocrinologist appointment.

I enjoy a day off as much as anyone, but preparing for a substitute is a complete clusterfuck. Inevitably a student takes advantage of the sub or chooses this moment to show his or her ass (metaphorically). The lesson never goes quite as you’d like. There’s also the off chance that the hired sub will roll in with his or her own agenda; or that, worse yet, no sub will be available and my colleagues will then have to cover my classes. This completely sucks because students who don’t know that you are indeed a teacher IN THE BUILDING usually act like jackasses anyway. Subbing is rough stuff. Plus being absent from my job on the same day two weeks in a row makes me super paranoid. There are colleagues who I am pretty sure have not completed a full week of school yet this year, and I don’t know how they do it. I was freaked out enough when my principal called me at home because she was worried about my legit illness.

I immediately, began making re-scheduling phone calls as soon as I left my morning appointment. Guess what! My endocrinologist is so hip that she has NO openings for another 6 months, but oddly enough she could see me that afternoon. Great. My day was now book ended by doctor appointments and filled with nonsense errands in between.

I hate doctor’s appointments. They weigh me. Blonde Dr., the morning appointment, tells me with her eyes that she thinks I’m fat, and asks her leading questions about food and exercise. I think she’s afraid that I’ll cry again. Yes, in a very frustrated moment I publicly cried about my body. The endocrinologist gets a $35 co-pay to say “Hey, anything new?” and then squeeze my thyroid. This interaction tales less than 5 minutes and then she sends me off for blood sucking which can take an hour depending on the line. Fortunately, she was able to use the blood that Blonde Dr. sucked in that morning since they are in the same blood sucking network.

It turns out that I weigh one pound more in the afternoon at that appointment than I do in the morning. However the endocrinologist is more passive aggressive about her view on weight. This is ALWAYS at the bottom of my printout from her office. It’s a real self-esteem booster.


I only know what half of this really means.

“Obesity, unspecified?” Do you need me to specify? Specifically it’s in my ass, boobs, and gut? Specifically it’s because I don’t intensively exercise as much as I should, but I really like pizza? Specifically  I have this fucking lazy gland has been contributing to my mass for years? Specifically people have spent 42 years telling me that I am fat even when I wasn’t, but now I’m officially unspecific-ally obese?

I tried to end what had turned into a hectic day with a walk to exercise, but more importantly to enjoy the beautiful afternoon. I was literally gazing up at treetops, thinking pretty thoughts, and enjoying my audiobook when someone sped past me on the road. Thanks to the audiobook, I only caught part of the screamed comment from the car window, “FFFAAAAAAAAAATTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”

Donald Trump is in my neighborhood?

Just what I needed two weigh-ins later. It’s moments like this when I wish that I either had telekinetic super powers that would allow me to waggle my fingers and flip a car, or laser beam eyes so I could subtly blow out the tires and proceed with my day. I have this fantasy A LOT. I should probably never be granted super powers or handed a firearm.

Clearly this person needs the rules explained to him while I repeatedly punch him in the balls.

Rule 1: My doctors are allowed to passively aggressively comment on my body. See above. I don’t like it, but I recognize that it is part of their job. YOU are not allowed to do this.

Rule 2: My closest friends are allowed to tell me that maybe I have not made the most flattering fashion choices. Again, I will not like this, but recognize that they are my friends and they want me to look good. YOU are not allowed to do this.

Rule 3: I am allowed to make self-deprecating comments and jokes about my body. I do like this because I’m fucking hilarious! Plus I see me naked and do the clothes shopping so I know what’s up. I’ve got a lot going on. YOU are not allowed to do this.

What YOU are allowed to do, is quietly talk shit about me behind my ample back like a decent person would. Because I guarantee that I would have  a number of “unspecified” comments to make behind your back if we were ever to meet. Plus I would flip your POS car with my super powers.





14 thoughts on “Unspecific-ally Obese

  1. Ahhhh another moment when I feel like I should keep my thoughts to myself but when has that ever been me? There is another option. You could be really happy to be you. Those of us blessed to be your colleagues( friends ) recognize you as a person of great intelligence who invests herself deeply in her work and life. I’ve been kinda in awe of you and your abilities. Plus you’re fun. I get Dr.s view of us as the sum of our charts. Fuck em. They don’t know you. Just some random results. Who dies wishing they’d had one less beer? Or lost that last five pounds? Most of us wish for one more sunny day. You got that.

    I have learned one thing in retail. There are randomly cruel people. Ruthless people who thrive off the misery of others. Yeah and someday it rains. I avoid both and have a psychic umbrella for the times I gotta deal with it. Feel free to borrow it.

    I was blessed to sit in your class and listen to you impart wisdom about great characters in literature. Heathcliff, Hamlet, Atticus Finch, Ophelia, Desdemona. You never mentioned what they weighed? Why? Could it be that it just doesn’t matter? Their person mattered.

    You are the KStew so I will bow to your superior wisdom in this as in all things.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jesus, Phil. Rolling my eyes at your epic wisdom. Thanks, buddy. You know I’m not that tragic day to day, but needed something to write about. Keep in mind that I put the weird, and funny out there. Not pleas for”oh, yr ass looks great.” 😉


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