Let’s Review Your Contract


I am literally inches away from her and she is clearly asleep. Her head is down. If she were in a classroom, she’d be doing the whiplash “I’m trying to stay awake but can’t” nod. Her little white mittens are folded over each other and tucked into her chest in what I think of as the “roosting hen” pose. 

Yet here I sit, essentially a human-sized heating pad just waiting to be snuggled on.  First, it’s cold in here so I could definitely use the extra warmth. Secondly, I AM COVERED IN FLEECE! 

Fleece is like Victoria’s Secret for cats. They just want to paw it, cuddle it, offer it massages, maybe ruffle it up and drool a bit. My fleece pants and vest (It is fucking cold in here!) are fashion catnip! 

It may be time to review some of her contractual responsibilities signed and notarized at the time of her adoption. If I’m going to buy my furry friends, I’m going to get my money’s worth. 

Feline Contractual Obligations: An Excerpt

1. All felines will endeavor to daily pose in adorable and photogenic manners. This may include, but is not limited to, looking out windows, laying upside down in cat beds, seeking out sunspots, sitting in undersized boxes etc…

1.1a The “if it fits, it sits” standard is implied in the above point. 

2. At least one feline must accompany owner in any manner of sleep. i.e. Naps, extended naps caused by feeling icky, regular bedtimes etc… Napping obligation may also be applied to long term sitting while reading books or watching tv. 

3. Acceptable feline positions with owner are as follows: shared pillow with purring adjacent to owner’s ear, armpit- head may be positioned on upper arm or fit into actual armpit, chest, stomach, wrapped around feet particularly in winter months. Back and side are also acceptable depending on sleeping owner’s position. 

3.1a While both parties are sleeping, the feline must be within reach of the owner’s hand if not participating in full body contact which is preferable. 

Olivia is clearly in breach of her contract. 

4 thoughts on “Let’s Review Your Contract

  1. Pingback: You Daft Weirdo | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

  2. Pingback: Rainy Sunday | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

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