Maybe Vignettes

“Vignettes” always make me think of teaching excerpts from The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros. “Vignettes” was one of the literary terms recommended in the English 9 literature text. A vignette is, “a short descriptive literary sketch…a brief incident or scene (as in a play or movie).” I’m not sure if these qualify as vignettes, but I still like the word.

 

Death of a Honey Bee

Death of a Honey Bee

I murdered a honey bee. I didn’t mean to which I guess makes it involuntary bee slaughter. With their diminishing numbers, I actually felt sad to see the poor little guy crawling up my sleeve where he must have been tucked when I brushed by some plants. There was his little bee butt hanging out of my forearm while he made his death march up my arm. What an inefficient defense system. “Here, buddy, this stinger will totally freak out humans and animals, but you’re going to die once you use it.”

The sting wasn’t even that painful. I saw the bee before I realized that there was bee ass stuck to my arm. During childhood wasn’t a bee sting the equivalent of having something amputated without anesthesia?

I don’t think I’ve been stung by a bee since childhood which is fine. However as I was trying to tweeze bee buttocks out of my arm, I started to wonder if perhaps I had developed a bee sting allergy along with all my other adult health issue. How long would it take before bee poison coursed through my veins causing me to swell up and die?

Demonstrating their usual support and concern, my mom and sister told me to stop being a pussy. My mom sent a text saying to put baking soda on the sting. She felt it necessary to send a follow up text stating that I should make a paste of the baking soda with water. Clearly she suspected the venom had affected my brain.

 

“That’s an Ewok.”

Is this what I have become? I uttered these words from the back of a crowded auditorium loud enough for the presenter and everyone else to hear. There was no thought process, it just came out.
The presenter was talking about designs and branding your product. We had just seen several clever Tweets from Oreo and she had moved on to Legos’ Star Wars series. The tag line was “Make your own story.” Lego Han Solo was standing sadly in the background while Lego Princess Leia walked away hand in hand with what the presenter identified as Chewbacca.
“That’s an Ewok.”
In my defense, I had recently watched Wil Wheaton rant about a baseball announcer identifying a Jah wah as an Ewok during Star Wars day at a ball park. I sort of understood her mistake because it didn’t make as much sense for Lego Leia to walk off with an Ewok when the love triangle would clearly be Wookie based. However Lego Chewie would have been sporting his signature bullet belt and not the obvious Ewok hoodie.
She gamely made the correction as I crawled inside my Ton ton to hide my nerdliness.

NutriSilverBullet

A Facebook friend recently purchased a NutriBullet and keeps excitedly posting about the various fruits and vegetables that she has liquefied in healthy, but unnatural ways. I realize that the NutriBullet is a food processor (Thank you, Google); but every time I see the word, I my brain reads, “Silver Bullet” and that, my friends, is a vibrator.

Seriously, all Brain could come up with was, “Blueberries, kale, agave, vibrator. Got it. Sounds super.”

When she posted that she had used the NutriBullet to make the best hummus of all time, my first thought was, “My God. That IS the most efficient vibrator ever!”

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Maybe Vignettes

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  4. Pingback: What? | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

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