This was my eye when I woke up Tuesday morning. The lid was swollen, I was in pain, there was crustiness, redness as if the cats had punched me in my sleep, and so much itchiness that scooping my eye out with a soothingly cool spoon just so I could scratch the socket sounded like a good idea.
My eye had gone completely evil.
Just my left eye though. The right eye was still all kittens and rainbows and was all like:”What do you mean I live next to an Evil Eye?” It was kind of like Mad Eye Moody in the Harry Potter series except that I don’t remember that character ever complaining about extreme itchiness. I considered wearing my Greek evil eye charm as an eye patch just to ward off the evil within.
Suspecting that this was more than allergies even though just the sight of mowed grass makes my throat close up at this time of year, I broke down and made an eye appointment. It turned out that my regular eye doctor had gone on maternity leave and that all the other doctors would turn into pumpkins if they booked an appointment after 3 p.m. Therefore I could not see or be seen until today. Three aggravating, blurry, itchy days later.
I’ve been wearing contacts since high school but about three years ago, I began having symptoms similar to the symptoms this week. Diagnosis: blah blah blah conjunctivitis. No, not pink eye. The cats are not farting on my pillow. (They probably really are)
This translates to me growing large bumps on the insides of my eyelids because my body hates me and wants me to have to wear glasses so that I feel unattractive and look like my Aunt Carol who is a complete bitch. Thanks, giant eye bumps.
The bumps were large enough that they were actually moving my contacts around and making it pretty hard for me to focus my eyes enough to read. There have been a multitude of curative eye drops, but as a consequence, I now seem to only wear my contacts on special occasions when I want to feel vaguely attractive or when I’m really going to exercise- also a special occasion. The last time I wore contacts was for about 5 hours over a month ago.
Dr. People Skills didn’t really seem to buy that I wasn’t wearing my contacts daily and suggested that wearing them was akin to “poking a wild animal.” The bumps are the wild animals and in eye doctor school, they teach you that poking wild animals makes them come back.
I am fairly certain based on various childhood observations of my male relatives and the local fauna, that poking wild animals makes them want to eat your fucking face off. However, I did not go to eye doctor school.
Dr. People Skills then asked me to look down while he used a q-tip or tire iron to roll my upper eyelid back so he could look for the bumps.
“Wow! Those are big ones!” he exclaimed as I tried to decide if we were now talking about my boobs-a known quantity of bigness- or the eye bumps.
It was the eye bumps.
He then prescribed a steroid eye drop and told me that the instructions on the bottle would say one thing, but that he wanted me to totally do this other thing. Great.
When I asked about using any of my prescribed allergy eye drops he said, “Noooooo, this is like the nuclear bomb of eye drops.”
Then he told me I should go get some nice new frames if I was so concerned with this whole looking pretty thing.
***I kind of hope he pokes a wild animal soon.