Thanksgiving Family Conversation #1
My sister: “I think we should exchange aluminum bats for Christmas.”
Me: quizzical look vaguely remembering a fear based request for a bat.
My sister: “That way you can have one for your scary outside noises and I can have one for my ‘active shooter weapon.'”
***My sister’s school emergency policy says teachers are to have a go to “active shooter weapon” nonchalantly at hand in their classrooms. Stapler of death, motherfucker.
Me (completely blissfully unaware of any actual sports knowledge): “But I feel like aluminum is just too light weight. I mean you hit someone in the head and it’s just going to leave a dent in your bat.”
My sister making wild swinging motions: “But that’s kind of the point that you can really wail on somebody and then jab them in the balls.”
Me: “But what would the mafia use? If I was Ray Liotta beating the crap out of someone with Joe Pesci, would I use wood or aluminum?”
My sister: “Weeelllllllll, if it was one of their movies probably wood. When did aluminum bats come in to use?”
Me: “Come on, modern mafia! It’s not like the mafia went away! Wood or aluminum?!”
So if anyone knows what type of baseball bat the modern mafia recommends, my sister and I need to know. No judgement on why you might have this information.
Also, don’t come to my house without calling ahead.