Maid of Horror… I mean “Honor”

In about four days I will be proceeding my best friend of 20+ years down the aisle. I am the ONLY bridesmaid and quite frankly the pressure is too much. I have great concerns that my efforts to make her day just right either won’t live up to her vision or that my efforts will somehow pervert and destroy her dream in some Gatsby-esque twist. (Yes, we’re just finishing it up in class; it’s on my mind. Gatsby died? What now?!)

I have been doing my best to keep my end of the crazy in check because as the bride, it is clearly her special time to just go completely batshit as the rest of us smile and nod politely.  Yea, special day! This does not stop me from cycling through and manifesting all my usual patterns of stress and worry.

1. My lawn needs mowed. It looks like a nature preserve and the neighborhood hoodies are ringing my doorbell incessantly because they think I’m not capable of mowing it myself and they see $10-$20 in their futures. I am capable. I just don’t have time. (Ironically I’m going to bitch about time a lot, but I’m still taking the time to write this.) Stay off my lawn!

2. Acne. I went home for Mother’s Day and either due to environment changes or family induced stress, going home makes me break out. This will be compounded with the breakout I generally get when traveling farther afield and I will look radiant by the time I get to New York.

3. The wedding is in New York. I am in Ohio. This is a problem. I can’t even travel the two hours home for a one night stay without forgetting crucial items like my bathroom bag. Yes, a bathroom bag. It is a pre-packed tote that I just grab; it already has a hairbrush, shampoos, 5 million tampons, nail clippers, toothpaste and earplugs etc… tucked away and I can just add the mound of medication I take and some make up. Except for when I forget it and don’t realize this until it seems like brushing my hair would be a good plan.

Flying for a multi-day trip exacerbates the packing issues. I notoriously over pack whenever I go ANYWHERE and I lose all fashion sense. For instance, right now I have cobbled together two only mildly acceptable ensembles for the bachelorette and the rehearsal dinner. I would never wear either of these outfits in real life because…well…who would and I no longer have any idea of what I wear when I’m not wearing “ensembles.” Jeans and a….hmmmmm what goes with that?

I am also fairly certain that were I to forget something, New York state would not sell it.

4. I have already determined that I will have to pack 50 bras. The bride made me mail her my perfect bridesmaid dress so she could match its color to microscopic pieces of fiber minutely woven into the underwear of some random guests. I was not smart enough to figure out which bra will not spend the day and all of her wedding photos peeping out of the front and the back of the dress to say, “Hey, girl!” Strapless is not an option, don’t bring it up. NASA scientists can get us into space but still have no idea how to support the orbit of my giant boobs.

Oh dear, it's "that picture." Why am I outside you ask? Natural light, natural light....

Oh dear, it’s “that picture.” Why am I outside you ask? Natural light, natural light….

5. I am mildly concerned about cicadas.

6. Yes, cicadas. This is the summer when the 17 year cicadas come out of their burrows by the billions, looking to get it on with other cicadas and then die in screeching sex soaked heaps. They are scheduled to start emerging May 18 in areas stretching from the Hudson River Valley of New York all the way down to North Carolina. The wedding is, you guessed it, May 18 in the Hudson River Valley of New York. I actually heard the my first story about the cicadas on NPR on the drive home from the bridal shower The bride requested that I stop mentioning it.

7. It’s suddenly freezing. A few days ago it was crisp spring weather, I almost got sweaty a couple of times. However yesterday and today it was 50 degrees. As of today, the 50 degrees has hit New York. This may delay the cicada mating rave that this outdoor wedding in a park with cabins is destined to become. On the up side they will fit in with the color scheme.

8. It’s freezing so this complicates the packing further. Allegedly it’s supposed to be slightly warmer by the weekend but what then? Do I double me outfits? Layers? A tarp? What? Either way I’ll be wandering around at least one day in strappy wedges with my tits hanging out.

9. I stopped exercising like 3 weeks ago. It’s just a shitty, stressful time of year in education when I could either exercise or go fetal and think about all the stuff I’m not getting done. I go with fetal. I told the bride I am carbo loading for her and that she will look amazingly petite beside her big-ass bridesmaid. It’s all for her! (I just hope my dress that I don’t have access to still zips. There are at least two pairs of off-brand Spanx on the packing pile.)

10. So this is the kind of stuff that I’m trying not to bother the bride with because so far, at least when we’ve talked, she has seemed relatively calm. She’s busy posting things on Facebook like “blah blah blah days until I marry the love of my life.” I’m not really sure who she is right now. The groom does not realize how many broken idiots came before him to get her the point where she would say things like this. Lucky boy.

5 thoughts on “Maid of Horror… I mean “Honor”

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