Spring is Here!-It’s a List

 

This was tulip #2 and it was totally trying to be an over-achiever.

This was tulip #2 and it was totally trying to be an over-achiever.

Oh, the ways I know the signs of spring aside from the werewolves shedding their winter coats. So much hair everywhere!

  • The temptation to work in my yard is overwhelming. There are little buds on everything: the lilacs, rose bushes, magnolia etc… Each afternoon when I come home from school, some new plant has poked its little green nose up through the earth. I swear yesterday there was one tulip and some hyacinths. Today there were two tulips!! Count ’em two! Three types of daffodils, peonies, irises, more grape hyacinths. Sadly, my job does not benefit from time used in yard work (although FitnessPal counts gardening!).
  • Today it was 80 degrees by Saturday (prom night for my high school students) it’s supposed to be 48 degrees. Thanks, Ohio.
  • My sinuses react to these temperatures changes accordingly. Can you get dehydrated from repeated sneezing and nose blowing?  I think I can. If it’s not dripping out of my face then I’m recycling my body weight in sinus drainage that I occasionally, unexpectedly cough up- like in the middle of Body Pump at the gym this afternoon. Sexy and sweaty.
  •  If my stomach is constantly filling with sinus drainage, this might explain my mid-morning nausea every morning this week. However it does raise the question of why am I even hungry? Hello, full of snot! Duh!  And thank you Internet for immediately being able to tell me that there are 5-25 calories in semen, but really being vague on how many calories are in snot. One non-medical, sort of educational site suggested 4 calories. FitnessPal does not recognize this as a food. WTF?
  • My students are dressing as though it is 110 degrees outside: flip flops, lots of boobs and a decided lack of deodorant. Skirt and shorts lengths go from “Hey, bitch, this is my corner” to “I’m just gonna let my ‘gina air out while I’m here.” If you have to pick the edges of your shorts out of your hoo-ha while talking to a room full of teachers then the shorts are definitely too short and too tight.
  • As I said, prom is coming up this Saturday so my female students are transforming into beautiful butterflies. Beautiful unnaturally orange butterflies. Apparently skin cancer is a requirement for dry humping at prom. Who knew?
  • It’s raining but it’s not really raining but there’s a thunderstorm watch so really anything could happen or I could spend the night taking cover in the most interior room of my house with 4 cats. This is more or less all of spring in Ohio.
  • The neighborhood children are running/biking amuck. I realize that they are pedestrians and shit but I will run over those dirty little motherfuckers if they don’t get out of the goddamn road.
  • I haven’t heard the song yet but I’m pretty sure the ice cream truck/ drug czar is getting ready to roll. (p.s. I’ve never seen the guy actually sell ice cream to anyone)
  • I collected 85 research papers. Restatement: I SHOULD HAVE collected 85 research papers but several children have taken “ill” and/or think I’m kidding when I remind them that their gigantic paper that will make or break this quarter’s grade was due yesterday.
  • I collected 85 research papers. This makes me die a little, but not in an interesting Grand Canyon way with scenery  and lizards and shit. This is more like parts of my soul dying. Grading high school research papers makes me fantasize about debilitating illnesses and accidents. “If I got cancer would I have to grade these?” Sadly the answer, as proven by a fellow English teacher, is YES. However, as proven by another fellow English teacher,  if I went into labor at just the right moment, others would rally and grade the papers for me.
  • I don’t like babies. This won’t work.
  • My cats like to remind me that I don’t need kids because I have them instead. Bella woke me up puking at 1 a.m. and again at 5 a.m. She just wasn’t done yet. Birdie felt left out so she barfed up a big pile of grass from the cat grass pot at 5:15 a.m. My alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m.
  • Did I mention that spring is happy outdoors time?
  • That I love the way it smells and the idea of plants and critters growing. That I was so pleased to see Mr. Chipmunk emerge from his partial hibernation and that I hope that Bob the squirrel can grow his back hair back in. That I’d rather wake up to birds than an alarm clock. That some kind of falcon landed on my fence while I was gardening and we had a moment. That tomorrow there will be more tulips and daffodils and tiny buds galore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Spring is Here!-It’s a List

  1. Pingback: What Teachers Do At Lunch | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

  2. Pingback: Tales of the World’s Longest Yard Sale, Days 3-5, Year 4: The Hobbits head into Mordor, or whatever hot place they had to go to melt that stupid ring | possumscatsthingsgnawingatme

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