Chicks, man. What’s wrong with us?: That Picture.

We’ve all gotten that picture from a female friend or taken that picture ourselves. That picture is incredibly awkward; the angles are wrong; the lighting is bad and we look psychotic as we try to watch the iPhone screen while still smiling so our

The winner. Disregard the piles of laundry and the shoes. Shoe Whore, remember?

The winner. Disregard the piles of laundry and the shoes. Shoe Whore, remember?

faces will look appealing.

What the hell is wrong with us?

As a mutual friend and colleague’s wedding approaches (Actually it happened last night, but I’ve been off the blog and this will probably require multiple posts. Roll with it.), that picture has been flying back and forth at desperate top speed through the Cloud. Accompanied by these thoughts:

“OMG!!! I have nothing to wear! What are you wearing?!!”

I started the female hunter/gatherer process weeks ago – see Day 18: Shoe Whore – because I haven’t bought a new go-to-a-wedding dress in ages and these days, with my figure being what it is, nothing seems to fit all the right parts at the same time. I wish I had saved the pictures I sent from the torture room lighting of the JCPENNEY’S fitting room. My skin was ghastly pale and somehow the whole process seemed to disguise the fact that skin-tight and metallic are not the way I should go unless I intend to start working the parking lots of bars and truck stops. There’s a lot going on and reflective fabric does not help.

Yet my girlfriends all told me that I looked beautiful and weighed in on which dress they preferred. They are lying blind-ass bitches. (Love you, guys!) That dress was purchased, re-tried on at home in more “natural” lighting and promptly returned to end the horror.

I ultimately purchased and returned two different dresses. Both were tight and metallic. Yes, I have a problem. I reluctantly stuck with dress #3, which really was the most flattering but made me cringe because it came from a store with the word “Barn” in the title.

***Side note: Seriously, Dress Barn, how have you stayed in business? And who had the bright idea to name the store as if you were hoping to purchase a farm for fashionable cattle? That is the image that Dress Barn conjures. Really, really FAT cows in cheap formal wear. Totally the look I want.***

I did tell her to take the stupid hat off.

I did tell her to take the stupid hat off.

Fortunately, I guess, I’m not the only wackadoo woman using social media to shop. Again, I wish I had saved the photos from a girlfriend wearing black socks but modeling a diaphanous summer dress. There was one day when for about a two-hour period, I got picture after picture of another friend as she waded through piles of dresses and various tiny dressing room cubicles. As a good girlfriend, I responded  with my opinions unlike our other friend on the text who stopped after dress #2. Weak.

So we’re back to the original question: What the hell is wrong with us?

Obviously, we send these pictures out seeking approval. Our self-confidence is such that we can’t readily qualify ourselves as pretty or make fashion decisions on our own. Which brings up the next question of where the fuck are our friends and why are we shopping alone? We were all invited to the same event; we all need something new to wear…where are we? Are we so disorganized, busy and overstressed that instead of hanging out at the mall as per our teen years, we resort to that photo?

Yes, yes, we are. However, I can safely say that I would not have wanted to model in the flesh some of the dresses I tried on even for my friends.

She wasn't wearing this to the wedding, but some shit is just funny.

She wasn’t wearing this to the wedding, but some shit is just funny.

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