Day 18: Shoe Whore

I almost didn’t go into DSW today.

I almost just stuck with the mundane task of buying my mom a drying rack to drag home to her over Thanksgiving.

But Bed, Bath & Beyond is right next door to the Designer Shoe Warehouse. It would have been silly to not go in and just browse the clearance racks. Just caress a few leather uppers. I mean, I have  a wedding to go to in December and part of the female hunter/gatherer cycle is find the dress, find the shoes or vice versa. I sort of have a dress candidate. To borrow from Steel Magnolias, the dress “looks like two pigs fightin’ under a blanket” but a layer of fake Spanx later and it will all be fine.

And I have a shoe plan. Jewel tones, yea, I said jewel tones. I’m thinking bright blue, maybe with a satiny look. Just to add some color to the ensemble since the dress is metallic gun metal. Because there is nothing like shining metallic fabric to set off huge tits and the ass that goes with them. Then I can accessorize with some cheap gaudy jewelry to set off the shoes. Ho’ Fo’ Sho’.

Shoe Whore that is.

I love shoes. More accurately, I love when I can get ridiculously expensive shoes for cheap. I will not pay full price for much of anything. I don’t care how on trend they are. The satisfying part of the hunt is finding the sales price. I will stalk the shelves in search of those 50-80% off stickers. Don’t bother me with 30% off sandals! Please DSW bitch, it’s November! Strappy gladiator nothingness that’s not even leather should be in the 50% range at least.

And I could care less that my feet are gigantic. I usually wear a 10 but depending on make and model, I can turn it all the way up to 11. (Can we all exercise our capability of recognizing an allusion here, people?) Shoes do not make me feel fat. I have big feet, whatevs. If heels come in sizes for drag queens then I’m set. Such are my shoe storage needs that I built my own version of Carrie’s Sex and the City shoe closet. I can confirm that Carrie’s closet smells like ass. Take all the shoes you’ve worn and put them in one confined space and breathe deeply. Get back to me on that.

Today though the temptation was too much. Really the entrance was only a few feet away from my car. Just go in, browse, no commitment. I took my usual route, cruising down the seasonal boot aisle, past items that had yet to graced with “clearance.”  I rounded the corner on the sales racks for 9 1/2 – 10 only to come face to ass with a rather round woman doing downward dog to look at the lowest shelf of 10’s. I admire her persistence but it’s really a rookie mistake. While it is advisable to limber up and work on balance before trying any shoes on, you must be aware of your surroundings and the other shoe whores in it.

Eye on the prize, not her big booty. Bright blue suitable for December was not jumping out. Catch  22 of shoe shopping: anytime you are NOT looking for bright blue shoes, there will be a dozen variations on blue shoes dominating the selection. Go on a specific mission with a vision of blue shoes in mind and you are out of luck.

I found my prey in the 10-11 aisle. We had met before and tried each other on for size back in the day. Back in the day when the clearance sticker was only red. Today it was yellow.

Tiny gasp, accelerated heart rate.

Yellow means an additional 80% off the clearance price. Bite lower lip, adrenaline surge.

Try them on again. Both feet this time.

Leather, metallic snake-skin uppers. Stylish but chunky stable heel,mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

$13.99

Screw the need for color. Even if Cinderella’s perfect blue shoes materialize later, these shoes started their life at $120 and will now be less than $20. Oh, happy, fortuitous day!!! I will fight the fat whore from the next aisle if she even come sniffing around  my mark.

Even the checkout girl was impressed and broke from the usual required, “Oh, mah, gawd, those are so cute!”

She went with the more appropriate, “Holy crap, these are $13.99!!!!”

Proprietary whisper, “I know.” Hunt satisfied.

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5 thoughts on “Day 18: Shoe Whore

  1. I know that feeling when shopping DSW and usually take that same route. And your find was amazing; they are cute, stylish, and what a great price!

    Like

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