Day 2: I have an extra hour! Now what?

I am a rock-star procrastinator. It’s definitely one of those areas where I am NOT leading by example and have become as bad as my students. Here’s an example of how my weekend to-do list goes pretty much every weekend.

To- Do:

1. I should grade. I have 100 essays to grade. This is not an exaggeration. Like a complete dumbass I collected essays from 4 classes in the same week and…. that was  a couple of weeks ago. I have diligently toted them back and forth from school everyday since their collection. They are “marinating” in my bag as well as causing me an overwhelming ominous sense of dread that I still will do anything to avoid.

2. I also need to defeat Mr. Skunk. I am trying to be as environmentally friendly as I can. I rejoiced at the city’s recycling program with the big blue barrels at each house! No more carting my recycling to various parking lots with recycling dumpsters. Additionally, I finally started a compost pile. I purchased the cheapest compost container Lowes had to offer and set things up. (FYI: the container I really wanted was like $200 online plus shipping! Yikes) Since the installation of the compost container, Mr. Skunk and I have been at war. I don’t mind sharing my backyard with him; our times there rarely overlap except in a few startling instances. However his project involves digging under the edges of the compost container and dragging everything he can find out into the yard. I tried a variety of obstructions:bricks, stakes, wires, random rocks etc…, but skunks are diggers. I thought I had outwitted him by shoveling up the composting goods and putting cement pavers under everything before putting the container back. Unfortunately, I was a paver short.

“Oh, no problem. Mr. skunk will be discouraged enough,” I thought.


Mr. Skunk’s “composting” project.

My fear is that I will open the lid only to find Mr Skunk curled up in a nest of coffee grounds, dirt and pumpkin innards with his skunkhole aimed at me.

3. Clean my house. I have 4 cats. They are covered in hair. Therefore everything I own is covered in hair.

4. Fold and put away laundry. There appears to be  a hoarder living in my bedroom…and 4 cats.

5. Yea, I should totally grade those papers.

6.Check pn my brussel sprouts which have been invaded by cabbage aphids. These look like tiny gray spiders or alien probes.

Aliens are taking over my garden.

Ok, so that’s a bunch of stuff that I should do and, who knows, I might do some of it today. Here’s what I really did.

1. Forgot to set my alarm and therefore woke up at an unreasonably late hour for an adult on a Saturday morning who only had one glass of wine and some French fries the night before. Thanks Gallos!

2. Wandered around for about an hour inside and outside the house in my pajamas getting distracted by things like the broken solar light and the cats’ water fountain needing cleaned. All the while, forgetting that coffee pots really need water to function.

3. Finally make eggs for myself and 75% of the feline population. The remaining 25% will only eat the eggs that I am personally consuming and hand feeding her.

4. Stare at Facebook, Hotmail, eBay and Words with Friends while eating my egg and toast. Start setting up Blog site and posting. Make donation to Colony Cats for medical fund for kitties that were set on fire on Halloween. (Mona and kitties were on the 11:00 news last night. Channel 4)

5. Check on Mr. Skunk’s progress. Consider showering, I am going out in public.

6. It’s almost 3:00 now. Screw it. I’ll shower but not wash my hair. I’m going shopping.

7. Get trapped at Cat Welfare because I thought their calendars were in but they’re not, and they’re trying to clean out their thrift shop for a fundraiser, and the clerk is aggressively shoving baskets at people, and I feel bad…$10 later.

8.Heading for Polaris…OMG! Birkenstock  store going out of business sale. Dramatic left turn. Spend an hour staring at shelves wishing an extremely discounted pair of shoes would beg me to take them home. Sadly they all look like this:

These do not work with my fashion aesthetic.

9. Attempt to buy my sister a birthday present. She wants a new Fossil watch with date and glow-in-the-dark features. This turns out to be an expensive and near impossible undertaking. Even the salesgirl, who will not be getting commission from me today, gets confused about one of the two features each time she picks up a new watch.

10. Wander through JC Penney’s and Macy’s in a fruitless search to buy a dress for Michele’s wedding in December.  My goal is to NOT buy yet another black dress. I have this conversation with an overenthusiastic Macy’s saleslady: Super Excited to be Working Retail!:”Can I help you with anything?!!!!!”Me: “Oh, I’m just in the exploratory stages of trying to find a dress. I have a wedding to go to in December.”SEWR!: “That seems to be  a theme today!!”Me: “Yea, my goal is not to buy another black dress.”SEWR!: “Yes, you should totally have a splash of color for the season!!!!!”Me: “Uh-huh…” The conversation took place in an area called “The Little Black Dress.” We were closed in on all sides by black lace and sequins.

I went back to JC Penney’s because they at least had color options. However the styling was somewhere between Christmas hooker and high school Homecoming; two things that are not mutually exclusive, I know. I had an epic battle with a mound of scratchy, hurtful sequins in the overheated fitting room, performing my best contortionists manuevers while trying to keep one foot free to kick at the small child from the adjacent fitting room who seemed hellbent on turning this into an under the door peep show. The fine designers of JC Penney’s and I apparently disagree on the size of my boobs. I say that they are quite large, but that should still fit into my dress size. JC Penney’s says that the dress should barely squeeze past my ridiculous chest and that I should go home naked and shamed. Nothing was purchased.

11. It is now too late to consider grading papers. Instead I will eat Chipotle, fold laundry and watch Jonah Hex. This was not a good movie but qualified as bad enough t.v. to keep me distracted and unable to look away. And then I went to bed at 1 a.m.

No worries I have an extra hour today.

HO, HO, HO, at least it’s a Christmas color.